Dear Asshole,
Look at that I even capitalized your name, I'm so nice. ha, I am really nice actually, which is why I wonder what makes you feel you needed to treat me the way you did. Your casual, non-classy, undignified attempts at being "sincere" are no longer noticed. It's funny cause all my friends seen what you did to me, and yet they are still friends with you...kind of makes me question my friendships but that's for another blog. And funnier yet is that occasionally they decide to say "Oh Crystal, he's been cheating on you forever _____ has known for awhile but she was to afraid to say so. I'm telling you so you get over him" Again, really questioning my friendships.
But regardless, I get it. Whether you were unfaithful or not you are still an asshole. And if I were to say these things to your face they wouldn't phase you. And then you go and run and whine and complain and get everyone on your side again. So therefore I blog it. But really, I know in the end I've won. Because I know about all the problems you have in your life and that I was the only person you could share them with. And mainly only me, because you suck at choosing good friends, and the others don't care. Well there's Reker but lets be honest, he has a great relationship with his girlfriend why would he get lost in your bullshit. So I know in that way that I won, cause I do have true friends. Some of them, but that's all I need.
I guess really the only nice things I can and should say (cause if I share more I will fall into that horrendous black hole again) is thanks. Thanks for showing me love. Cause for the first year that's what we really had. Thanks for teaching me how to care for someone, and feel things I never thought imaginable. Thanks for introducing me to a life where I don't constantly rely on my parents or other people. Thanks for making me stand on my two feet and stand up for myself. And lastly, thanks for leaving me multiple times when I really fucking needed you. For the times when I needed a smile, or a hug or even just a hi. Thanks for disappointing me repeatedly. Thank you for breaking my heart into X2465649867369384765967597 pieces every couple of months, good times. And you know what? Thanks for ruining every single special moment that was supposed to happen to me in high school.Thanks a fucking lot.
You are single-handedly the most selfish person I have ever known in my entire life. Everything that was ours you made into yours. Everything that was mine was yours. You took everything from me. Mentally, physically, and emotionally, you drained me. You actually expected me to wait around for you forever, your that fucking vain? get a fucking grip you ignorant prick. I;m sorry that your life sucks, but don't drag me down too.
So this is me signing off on our relationship. Signing off this shitty place that I used to call love. I'm done.Done.Done. This is me walking away for good, have a great life and I hope you find someone else to manipulate and take advantage of.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Cheers to the asshole.
So much for blogging properly...
Today I discovered a song that really explains me and the way I need to think, Always by Saliva- check it out. And so this is for that pompous asshole.
Basically it just says I'm so done with you. And in actuality I am so very done with you. Kick me down, push me, spit on me, every which way you destroyed me and who I used to be, I will be better. I've seen myself fall prey to you countless times and every time you disappoint me, so why the fuck would I still try? I wont anymore, do not text me, do not call me, leave me alone. Do not think that you can lean on me, do not think that I will forever help you through your problems, and don't you DARE think that you can use me for whatever you please. I am not your welcome mat anymore, I am not that girl that you can trample all over and expect to get back up again. Cause I am better than you, and I'm moving on to bigger and better things. You have messed with my head for the last time. "I love you, I hate you. " <- words I will forever live by thanks to you.
So, cheers to you asshole.
p.s. I drank your alcohol.
Today I discovered a song that really explains me and the way I need to think, Always by Saliva- check it out. And so this is for that pompous asshole.
Basically it just says I'm so done with you. And in actuality I am so very done with you. Kick me down, push me, spit on me, every which way you destroyed me and who I used to be, I will be better. I've seen myself fall prey to you countless times and every time you disappoint me, so why the fuck would I still try? I wont anymore, do not text me, do not call me, leave me alone. Do not think that you can lean on me, do not think that I will forever help you through your problems, and don't you DARE think that you can use me for whatever you please. I am not your welcome mat anymore, I am not that girl that you can trample all over and expect to get back up again. Cause I am better than you, and I'm moving on to bigger and better things. You have messed with my head for the last time. "I love you, I hate you. " <- words I will forever live by thanks to you.
So, cheers to you asshole.
p.s. I drank your alcohol.
Thursday, November 17, 2011
thought for the night
Todaay I realized I'm extremely happy with the people that are actually in my life. The ones that I talk to on a daily basis I mean. That may be a select few, but honestly they are the best people that have ever existed and I am so thoroughly thankful for their presence. I thank each and every one of them for being amazing and special in their own little way <3
Sing, Sang, Song
" All it took was a look, one smile and we knew it would be awhile. A while before we couldn't see through the mess, this mess we had left through all the stress. You'd hold me close and I'd trace your lips. you knew all I needed was that one sweet kiss. We'd walk hand in hand through every trouble, cause baby lets face it; this wasn't worth the fights. I loved you and you loved me, we were innocent in our sweet bliss.
I still love him, and I cant let go. But I'll never let him now. no matter what I do, I don't know why I cant get him off my mind. I need the release I need to let go.
I need an out I need an in, your my most deadly sin. Please let me go, let me be. Let me have my thoughts, my dreams. Hold onto my memories, keep them safe. Everyday my heart thinks of you, My thoughts and dreams only to come true. Take me away and let me be.
Hold me close to your chest, I always promised I'd be your best. Kiss me softer now because the feelings are long gone, we both know we'd done wrong. The sadness in your eyes told me everything, that i just wasn't worth remembering. You couldn't bare my thoughts anymore, no less I felt them burning in my core. we faded away like a long winter night, knowing we'd never again be each others light. "
I wrote this maybe a month ago, and there's really no explaining to be done, I feel it speaks for itself. I love this for some reason, its so bittersweet. If i ever get somewhere one day with this voice of mine, this will be my masterpiece.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Simply..Be
My simple realization of the day. Let it be. Those Beatles really did know what they were talking about. My little birdy always tells me go. Wwith the flow, baby steps, and honestly I think I'll get there. Maybe not anytime soon, but in my own time. When I'm good and ready, when my heart finally heals and when my wonuds finally close up. I'll be happy one day, and I hope the most important people in my life have still stuck with my to see it <3
New..beginnings?
Do you ever hate who you are and what you've become?
I recently wrote this in my phone while taking a walk, I was trying to decipher how I feel. Or really why I feel the way I do. Why I'm so hopelessly in love with someone I don't even talk to anymore. Someone who hurt me plenty of times, someone that made me feel as low as can be. someone who occasionally took complete advantage of me and someone who has this total grip on my life. but ultimately this someone loved me. I think that was his biggest fault. Loving me. sounds stupid right? but in actuality, I know that if he hadn't fallen in love with me, I wouldn't have fallen in love with him. the first line of this post is the beginning of a very long ramble which I read through sometimes to attempt at making sense of how utterly confused I am. I'll let you know if that ever gets me anywhere. I seem to do that a lot, write random rambles in my phone when I'm upset. Actually i even managed to write a song out of one. but I cant bring my self to do anything with it. I cant seem to bring myself to do a lot of things these days. lack of motivation some people would see it as. or laziness as my mother would say. but really, its lack of life. you need life in order to have that jump in your step, or the pure joy of a real smile, or a laugh that you don't have to force. you need life to really feel the wind blow through your hair, or the water trickle down your body as you stand in the shower. those are feelings I used to love. I used to love smiling and laughing, and now it seems to much work. I used to love standing in the shower in the mornings and just feeling every drop of water trace me and caress my skin. but most of all, I used to love life. I miss those days, when getting up wasn't pointless. when my days consisted of more than work and avoiding my family so I don't have to explain why I'm so quiet, or why I'm a little grumpy. I miss when my mom didn't feel the need to worry about me, or always ask how I am. I miss actually enjoying my friends company. except for a small few of them I really hate being around their happiness, their new relationships, or accomplishments. I feel unworthy. and a very wise little birdy, who I take all my problems too told me not to compare, but I cant help it. and its funny cause i envy her the most. she may not see it but God that girl is on top of the world. Actually I know she doesn't see it cause I've told her before. and I think its crazy how much she believes in me, and thinks I'm so strong. I'll admit, I've come a looooooooong way from how I used to be. I mean sure I'm still suffering inside but I get up everyday and pretend I'm not. I've always wondered what it felt like to be that girl that couldn't get the boy, cause as conceded as it may sound, I typically get the boys I want. and I used to watch movies about this kinda stuff and really wonder how these girls did it. and now I know. but desperately wish I didn't. so basically I wrote this blog today to rant and make myself feel better so that I can go to work, put my fake smile on and tell every customer that I'm good. but I guess that will just be our little secret, right?
I recently wrote this in my phone while taking a walk, I was trying to decipher how I feel. Or really why I feel the way I do. Why I'm so hopelessly in love with someone I don't even talk to anymore. Someone who hurt me plenty of times, someone that made me feel as low as can be. someone who occasionally took complete advantage of me and someone who has this total grip on my life. but ultimately this someone loved me. I think that was his biggest fault. Loving me. sounds stupid right? but in actuality, I know that if he hadn't fallen in love with me, I wouldn't have fallen in love with him. the first line of this post is the beginning of a very long ramble which I read through sometimes to attempt at making sense of how utterly confused I am. I'll let you know if that ever gets me anywhere. I seem to do that a lot, write random rambles in my phone when I'm upset. Actually i even managed to write a song out of one. but I cant bring my self to do anything with it. I cant seem to bring myself to do a lot of things these days. lack of motivation some people would see it as. or laziness as my mother would say. but really, its lack of life. you need life in order to have that jump in your step, or the pure joy of a real smile, or a laugh that you don't have to force. you need life to really feel the wind blow through your hair, or the water trickle down your body as you stand in the shower. those are feelings I used to love. I used to love smiling and laughing, and now it seems to much work. I used to love standing in the shower in the mornings and just feeling every drop of water trace me and caress my skin. but most of all, I used to love life. I miss those days, when getting up wasn't pointless. when my days consisted of more than work and avoiding my family so I don't have to explain why I'm so quiet, or why I'm a little grumpy. I miss when my mom didn't feel the need to worry about me, or always ask how I am. I miss actually enjoying my friends company. except for a small few of them I really hate being around their happiness, their new relationships, or accomplishments. I feel unworthy. and a very wise little birdy, who I take all my problems too told me not to compare, but I cant help it. and its funny cause i envy her the most. she may not see it but God that girl is on top of the world. Actually I know she doesn't see it cause I've told her before. and I think its crazy how much she believes in me, and thinks I'm so strong. I'll admit, I've come a looooooooong way from how I used to be. I mean sure I'm still suffering inside but I get up everyday and pretend I'm not. I've always wondered what it felt like to be that girl that couldn't get the boy, cause as conceded as it may sound, I typically get the boys I want. and I used to watch movies about this kinda stuff and really wonder how these girls did it. and now I know. but desperately wish I didn't. so basically I wrote this blog today to rant and make myself feel better so that I can go to work, put my fake smile on and tell every customer that I'm good. but I guess that will just be our little secret, right?
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