New..beginnings?

Do you ever hate who you are and what you've become?
I recently wrote this in my phone while taking a walk, I was trying to decipher how I feel. Or really why I feel the way I do. Why I'm so hopelessly in love with someone I don't even talk to anymore. Someone who hurt me plenty of times, someone that made me feel as low as can be. someone who occasionally took complete advantage of me and someone who has this total grip on my life. but ultimately this someone loved me. I think that was his biggest fault. Loving me. sounds stupid right? but in actuality, I know that if he hadn't fallen in love with me, I wouldn't have fallen in love with him. the first line of this post is the beginning of a very long ramble which I read through sometimes to attempt at making sense of how utterly confused I am. I'll let you know if that ever gets me anywhere. I seem to do that a lot, write random rambles in my phone when I'm upset. Actually i even managed to write a song out of one. but I cant bring my self to do anything with it. I cant seem to bring myself to do a lot of things these days. lack of motivation some people would see it as. or laziness as my mother would say. but really, its lack of life. you need life in order to have that jump in your step, or the pure joy of a real smile, or a laugh that you don't have to force. you need life to really feel the wind blow through your hair, or the water trickle down your body as you stand in the shower. those are feelings I used to love. I used to love smiling and laughing, and now it seems to much work. I used to love standing in the shower in the mornings and just feeling every drop of water trace me and caress my skin. but most of all, I used to love life. I miss those days, when getting up wasn't pointless. when my days consisted of more than work and avoiding my family so I don't have to explain why I'm so quiet, or why I'm a little grumpy. I miss when my mom didn't feel the need to worry about me, or always ask how I am. I miss actually enjoying my friends company. except for a small few of them I really hate being around their happiness, their new relationships, or accomplishments. I feel unworthy. and a very wise little birdy, who I take all my problems too told me not to compare, but I cant help it. and its funny cause i envy her the most. she may not see it but God that girl is on top of the world. Actually I know she doesn't see it cause I've told her before. and I think its crazy how much she believes in me, and thinks I'm so strong. I'll admit, I've come a looooooooong way from how I used to be. I mean sure I'm still suffering inside but I get up everyday and pretend I'm not. I've always wondered what it felt like to be that girl that couldn't get the boy, cause as conceded as it may sound, I typically get the boys I want. and I used to watch movies about this kinda stuff and really wonder how these girls did it. and now I know. but desperately wish I didn't. so basically I wrote this blog today to rant and make myself feel better so that I can go to work, put my fake smile on and tell every customer that I'm good. but I guess that will just be our little secret, right?