'Good morning starshine, the earth says hello!'
I used to live by that sentence, it's so happy and adorable. And of course my favorite actor in the entire world, Johnny Depp, said it <3 But today it brings a massive smile to my face because today for the first time in a while I woke up wanting to say it again. There are many reasons why: I have the most amazing friends in the entire world. I have the most loving, although dysfunctional, family that could have asked for. I now have this boy in my life that has been there through everything and even though I've pushed him away countless times, he always comes back.
Let's start with my friends. Although throughout high school I really didn't know who to trust or who had my back, my girls have through for me on countless occasions. For the most part all I have to do is post something on twitter and at least 2 or 3 of them are raping my phone to see if I'm okay.My room is COVERED in pictures of me and my friends, in every funny moment possible. i love them dearly and they each know who they are <3
Now my family. For all the ways they aren't perfect, there's millions more reasons why they are my everything. We fight and argue almost daily but at the end of the day I love crawling into my bed knowing each of them is safely in our house happy, healthy,and alive. I thank them for pretty much everything I've ever been through. My mom is one of my best friends, she may have her bad days but when were good we are exceptional. My dad is the strongest person I know and even though he works pretty much all the time i can always count on him. And my brothers... even though they are creations of Satan I love them. Adam is seriously one of the funniest guys I've ever known he has me crying with laughter every time we talk. And Tyler even though the age difference makes it hard for us to be close, we can always count on each other. I mean come on the kid took me on a date, cute much? <3
And now the boy. Josh. We've known each other for over a year now, and he's the boy that pretty much saved my life, along with Joana and my mom, when Ryan shattered my life. he made me feel pretty and gave me reason to start trying with my life again and start being me. And although I broke his heart countless times to go back to Ryan. He never let go. Ever. He's the only boy that has ever cared that long, most guys don't give me a second thought and I've always been Josh's everything. regardless to say, I'm giving him the chance he always deserved <3
Sunday, March 25, 2012
Monday, March 5, 2012
Crazy
Sometimes I think I'm crazy, I'm crazy... Oh so crazy.
This is from a song apparently but.. I think it perfectly describes how I see my life right now. Like everything is running out ahead of me going to fast for me to keep up. Things are good though, sang the anthem at Rexall Place last night, aced it and had my 5 minutes of fame. Even applied for school last week. Everything I'm doing is moving myself forward, but it feels like I'm being torn in two directions. My future forward and my comfort backwards, is that even allowed?
As I look at the people around me, being the only one that didn't go right back into school I realize I've faded into the comfortable position of really only working. But having had to take 10 days off I've realized my life for the past 7 months has seriously been: get up, go to work, come home, sleep. If sleep is possible. And as you know from my last blog a lot of my time was spent at the bar too drunk to recall if anything was actually worth remembering. My memory of this time off of school, is fuzzy and faded and right up until this past week felt like kind of a waste.
But I'm overly glad I got all my partying and all that kind of stuff out of my system. I feel like now as I hopefully face this new school year I'll be able to focus and get good grades and be successful. Especially since in high school I couldnt care less, I had no motivation. So I think this is good for me and I think taking a year off was the best possible thing I could have done for myself no matter what anyone else says. Some people are just like that, doing the same thing day after day gets old, everyone needs a break. And not everyones cut out for school, I still think I'm not but I think I'm getting there cause I've finally found something I WANT to do.When I think of school I actually get excited, because it's like I get a whole new start to my life. A new chapter, just like everything's been. This year was my "real life" chapter. I got thrown into the real world and faced with paying rent,working my ass off just to get a little bit of credit, and most of all facing being an adult. I look at some of my friends that went straight into school and some of them are so incredibly immature. And although I've always been mature for my age its sometimes hard to be around them cause they can be really embarrassing. I know that's terrible to say but its the truth. It's like they just didn't grow up cause they didn't get the time too. How are you supposed to mature when you haven't been faced with challenges that make you grow up?
So all in all, this year has been a crazy ride. And a hell of a learning lesson and I'm so glad I had on with a death grip. I'm sure I'll have lots more struggles come my way but I'm convinced I'm better equipped to face them now. Because guess what?
I'm all grown up.
This is from a song apparently but.. I think it perfectly describes how I see my life right now. Like everything is running out ahead of me going to fast for me to keep up. Things are good though, sang the anthem at Rexall Place last night, aced it and had my 5 minutes of fame. Even applied for school last week. Everything I'm doing is moving myself forward, but it feels like I'm being torn in two directions. My future forward and my comfort backwards, is that even allowed?
As I look at the people around me, being the only one that didn't go right back into school I realize I've faded into the comfortable position of really only working. But having had to take 10 days off I've realized my life for the past 7 months has seriously been: get up, go to work, come home, sleep. If sleep is possible. And as you know from my last blog a lot of my time was spent at the bar too drunk to recall if anything was actually worth remembering. My memory of this time off of school, is fuzzy and faded and right up until this past week felt like kind of a waste.
But I'm overly glad I got all my partying and all that kind of stuff out of my system. I feel like now as I hopefully face this new school year I'll be able to focus and get good grades and be successful. Especially since in high school I couldnt care less, I had no motivation. So I think this is good for me and I think taking a year off was the best possible thing I could have done for myself no matter what anyone else says. Some people are just like that, doing the same thing day after day gets old, everyone needs a break. And not everyones cut out for school, I still think I'm not but I think I'm getting there cause I've finally found something I WANT to do.When I think of school I actually get excited, because it's like I get a whole new start to my life. A new chapter, just like everything's been. This year was my "real life" chapter. I got thrown into the real world and faced with paying rent,working my ass off just to get a little bit of credit, and most of all facing being an adult. I look at some of my friends that went straight into school and some of them are so incredibly immature. And although I've always been mature for my age its sometimes hard to be around them cause they can be really embarrassing. I know that's terrible to say but its the truth. It's like they just didn't grow up cause they didn't get the time too. How are you supposed to mature when you haven't been faced with challenges that make you grow up?
So all in all, this year has been a crazy ride. And a hell of a learning lesson and I'm so glad I had on with a death grip. I'm sure I'll have lots more struggles come my way but I'm convinced I'm better equipped to face them now. Because guess what?
I'm all grown up.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Friendships
Thoughts...Hope....Dreams...Goals... My Inspiration?
My friends.
Not some silly boy. I realized this as my mom finally picked up all the pictures I sent to get printed. As I sat on my bed sifting through them, every single one was of me and my friends. In hilarious moments (the fat man on new years)in celebratory moments (Britt's 18th!) and in moments where I shared every single smile with them. My girls held me up through everything, and one friend in particular literally held me as I collapsed at school last year, heart breaking.I don't think she'll ever realize the magnitude of things she's done for me...and the way she does them as well. She's the most self-less person I've ever met in my life.She wears her heart on her sleeve but unlike me keeps it together, I cry at everything LOL but her.. I seriously think I've only ever seen her cry once in almost 4 years of friendship. She's my rock, my one solid foundation. She's the one that even when I'm falling from the highest height will always catch me no matter what.
I mean sure I have plenty of great friends, one has even been my best friend for 18years but we have totally different lives. She never cares what I'm doing, or ever comes running to me when I reach out in the simplest way, I'd die for her and I know the same goes for her but its different... The connection between her and I has faded. We never see each other anymore, our lives literally polar opposites as shes in bible school, and for a few months I was at bars every weekend. And maybe that's another reason we faded. I came to such a dark place where it seemed only alcohol, smoking and drugs gave me any sort of feeling other then desperate aloneness. It started slow, in August after I started my job. Smoking was something I had done a few times in grade 12 and it was just cause I needed to break out of this perfect shell Ryan had made me. I literally did it to spite him cause it meant he had to pay attention to me. But after he made it clear that wouldn't fly I didn't really ever do it again. But now I was out of school and didn't have a care in the world, Id been dumped, watched my dream walk away from me and frankly just didn't care. Nothing mattered because smoking was my release. It made me feel something again, the head rush made me feel awake because I was sick of walking in a constant haze. And at the few work parties I would get hopelessly trashed cause well, why not? My state of mind was so far from anything I had grown up with and there was no slowing down at that point. By about October my friend was buying packs of smokes for me and because I was hiding them from my parents it was a very gradual thing, I didn't feel addicted I never smoked them alone. Always with Alex or Jody or whoever asked basically. Never did I feel I needed one after an hour or anything and so I literally thought I wouldn't get addicted. And of course there were periods where I wouldn't have any for a really long time. But just before my birthday is where it all literally fell apart. Ryan was messing with my head and again and all this other stuff was happening and I guess that's where subconsciously I snapped. Everything changed. I was 18, single and no one was about to stop me from doing anything I wanted. I didn't go to the clubs right away, that didn't seem to matter right away, I started buying packs of smokes and smoking non stop. whenever I was with Alex we would practically chain smoke, don't get the wrong idea though- it was always my idea. Then it came to the point where I'd get excited to walk to work and back cause that meant I could smoke. And then that turned into smoking outside the side door when I was home alone. And I even did that twice with my brothers home. It became this huge thing for me... And then to make things even worse just before my birthday again I tried weed for the first time.That's kinda different cause its more just giggle for a few hours and go to sleep so I don't do it much, plus its kinda gross. And also because I tripped so bad and haven't done it since.But I'll come back to that.so after the smoking got really bad, I finally went the club.
The club.I didn't think the whole lets get drunk every time we go was all the craze, cause I didn't need to be drunk to have a good time there, being buzzed helped though. But to be perfectly honest I've only ever bought one drink at the bar. I didn't need the drinks, because I was drunk on the attention. I literally felt as I walked in there that every eye was on me, and I would just watch as the drinks poured in, never once did I turn down a drink from a stranger.but the main reason I loved it sooo much, was the dancing. With hot guys that would come find me. I met some really awesome people at clubs and I could just be myself and have fun and forget how disappointing my life was.Then came the work Christmas party. I knew joey would be coming but for some reason it didn't register to me that she hadn't seen me like this. This out of control mess that I had become. So first off me and the group showed up to the hall smashed, and high out of our minds. and throughout the night I was constantly outside smoking or getting high. I always had a drink in my hand and again, I really didn't care about anything. And until a few days later I hadn't realized how bad I was getting. That was until Joey made me see.
She made it really clear of the black hole I was in and how if I didn't change now I was going to continue descending. So I slowly started to pick myself up, still went to the bar every weekend but definitely tamed myself. I slowly started to cut down on smoking and I'm still trying to quit I'm doing really good though. 1 every 2 weeks or so. that has some to do with the new boy I'm with but mostly because I want to quit. I don't want to be that girl at the Christmas party anymore. I want to hold the reins of my life and feel completely in control. And again I owe it all to her... you never really know the amazing things you do for me.
I love you <3
'Cause really, I'd be nothing without my friends.
My friends.
Not some silly boy. I realized this as my mom finally picked up all the pictures I sent to get printed. As I sat on my bed sifting through them, every single one was of me and my friends. In hilarious moments (the fat man on new years)in celebratory moments (Britt's 18th!) and in moments where I shared every single smile with them. My girls held me up through everything, and one friend in particular literally held me as I collapsed at school last year, heart breaking.I don't think she'll ever realize the magnitude of things she's done for me...and the way she does them as well. She's the most self-less person I've ever met in my life.She wears her heart on her sleeve but unlike me keeps it together, I cry at everything LOL but her.. I seriously think I've only ever seen her cry once in almost 4 years of friendship. She's my rock, my one solid foundation. She's the one that even when I'm falling from the highest height will always catch me no matter what.
I mean sure I have plenty of great friends, one has even been my best friend for 18years but we have totally different lives. She never cares what I'm doing, or ever comes running to me when I reach out in the simplest way, I'd die for her and I know the same goes for her but its different... The connection between her and I has faded. We never see each other anymore, our lives literally polar opposites as shes in bible school, and for a few months I was at bars every weekend. And maybe that's another reason we faded. I came to such a dark place where it seemed only alcohol, smoking and drugs gave me any sort of feeling other then desperate aloneness. It started slow, in August after I started my job. Smoking was something I had done a few times in grade 12 and it was just cause I needed to break out of this perfect shell Ryan had made me. I literally did it to spite him cause it meant he had to pay attention to me. But after he made it clear that wouldn't fly I didn't really ever do it again. But now I was out of school and didn't have a care in the world, Id been dumped, watched my dream walk away from me and frankly just didn't care. Nothing mattered because smoking was my release. It made me feel something again, the head rush made me feel awake because I was sick of walking in a constant haze. And at the few work parties I would get hopelessly trashed cause well, why not? My state of mind was so far from anything I had grown up with and there was no slowing down at that point. By about October my friend was buying packs of smokes for me and because I was hiding them from my parents it was a very gradual thing, I didn't feel addicted I never smoked them alone. Always with Alex or Jody or whoever asked basically. Never did I feel I needed one after an hour or anything and so I literally thought I wouldn't get addicted. And of course there were periods where I wouldn't have any for a really long time. But just before my birthday is where it all literally fell apart. Ryan was messing with my head and again and all this other stuff was happening and I guess that's where subconsciously I snapped. Everything changed. I was 18, single and no one was about to stop me from doing anything I wanted. I didn't go to the clubs right away, that didn't seem to matter right away, I started buying packs of smokes and smoking non stop. whenever I was with Alex we would practically chain smoke, don't get the wrong idea though- it was always my idea. Then it came to the point where I'd get excited to walk to work and back cause that meant I could smoke. And then that turned into smoking outside the side door when I was home alone. And I even did that twice with my brothers home. It became this huge thing for me... And then to make things even worse just before my birthday again I tried weed for the first time.That's kinda different cause its more just giggle for a few hours and go to sleep so I don't do it much, plus its kinda gross. And also because I tripped so bad and haven't done it since.But I'll come back to that.so after the smoking got really bad, I finally went the club.
The club.I didn't think the whole lets get drunk every time we go was all the craze, cause I didn't need to be drunk to have a good time there, being buzzed helped though. But to be perfectly honest I've only ever bought one drink at the bar. I didn't need the drinks, because I was drunk on the attention. I literally felt as I walked in there that every eye was on me, and I would just watch as the drinks poured in, never once did I turn down a drink from a stranger.but the main reason I loved it sooo much, was the dancing. With hot guys that would come find me. I met some really awesome people at clubs and I could just be myself and have fun and forget how disappointing my life was.Then came the work Christmas party. I knew joey would be coming but for some reason it didn't register to me that she hadn't seen me like this. This out of control mess that I had become. So first off me and the group showed up to the hall smashed, and high out of our minds. and throughout the night I was constantly outside smoking or getting high. I always had a drink in my hand and again, I really didn't care about anything. And until a few days later I hadn't realized how bad I was getting. That was until Joey made me see.
She made it really clear of the black hole I was in and how if I didn't change now I was going to continue descending. So I slowly started to pick myself up, still went to the bar every weekend but definitely tamed myself. I slowly started to cut down on smoking and I'm still trying to quit I'm doing really good though. 1 every 2 weeks or so. that has some to do with the new boy I'm with but mostly because I want to quit. I don't want to be that girl at the Christmas party anymore. I want to hold the reins of my life and feel completely in control. And again I owe it all to her... you never really know the amazing things you do for me.
I love you <3
'Cause really, I'd be nothing without my friends.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Measuring Up
"I'll never be what you wanted,and you'll never be what I need"
Broken hearted I keep coming up with these little phrases. I pointlessly write them in my phone, just maybe hoping they'll become something more than a reminder of how desperate I feel. This one really hits me though, its jus thte truth, laid out, pure and simple... he just isnt good for me. And no matter how many times he asked me to be a diffrent person, deep down I just knew I'd never be that girl. I couldn't live up to your expectations and demands, I just simply couldn't measure up. Measure up, what a funny term because you, you never equaled the greatness I made you out to be. I told everyone how amazing you were and how perfect you were, how much you loved me. What a massive lie. You were so fake, I cant even begin to think of the ways you hurt me because there were too many.
But of course I loved you despite every single one of those flaws. And I think that threatened you, and probably scared you because clearly you didn't feel the same way. I became old, used, boring,safe, to you. You wanted new and exciting and I wasn't that anymore.
Well that's fine, treat your new girl right okay? Because your slowly going to ruin all the good girls that are out there, and ruin them for all the good guys out there.
Yeah they exist, and you, your so not one of them.
Broken hearted I keep coming up with these little phrases. I pointlessly write them in my phone, just maybe hoping they'll become something more than a reminder of how desperate I feel. This one really hits me though, its jus thte truth, laid out, pure and simple... he just isnt good for me. And no matter how many times he asked me to be a diffrent person, deep down I just knew I'd never be that girl. I couldn't live up to your expectations and demands, I just simply couldn't measure up. Measure up, what a funny term because you, you never equaled the greatness I made you out to be. I told everyone how amazing you were and how perfect you were, how much you loved me. What a massive lie. You were so fake, I cant even begin to think of the ways you hurt me because there were too many.
But of course I loved you despite every single one of those flaws. And I think that threatened you, and probably scared you because clearly you didn't feel the same way. I became old, used, boring,safe, to you. You wanted new and exciting and I wasn't that anymore.
Well that's fine, treat your new girl right okay? Because your slowly going to ruin all the good girls that are out there, and ruin them for all the good guys out there.
Yeah they exist, and you, your so not one of them.
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Dear Asshole
Dear Asshole,
Look at that I even capitalized your name, I'm so nice. ha, I am really nice actually, which is why I wonder what makes you feel you needed to treat me the way you did. Your casual, non-classy, undignified attempts at being "sincere" are no longer noticed. It's funny cause all my friends seen what you did to me, and yet they are still friends with you...kind of makes me question my friendships but that's for another blog. And funnier yet is that occasionally they decide to say "Oh Crystal, he's been cheating on you forever _____ has known for awhile but she was to afraid to say so. I'm telling you so you get over him" Again, really questioning my friendships.
But regardless, I get it. Whether you were unfaithful or not you are still an asshole. And if I were to say these things to your face they wouldn't phase you. And then you go and run and whine and complain and get everyone on your side again. So therefore I blog it. But really, I know in the end I've won. Because I know about all the problems you have in your life and that I was the only person you could share them with. And mainly only me, because you suck at choosing good friends, and the others don't care. Well there's Reker but lets be honest, he has a great relationship with his girlfriend why would he get lost in your bullshit. So I know in that way that I won, cause I do have true friends. Some of them, but that's all I need.
I guess really the only nice things I can and should say (cause if I share more I will fall into that horrendous black hole again) is thanks. Thanks for showing me love. Cause for the first year that's what we really had. Thanks for teaching me how to care for someone, and feel things I never thought imaginable. Thanks for introducing me to a life where I don't constantly rely on my parents or other people. Thanks for making me stand on my two feet and stand up for myself. And lastly, thanks for leaving me multiple times when I really fucking needed you. For the times when I needed a smile, or a hug or even just a hi. Thanks for disappointing me repeatedly. Thank you for breaking my heart into X2465649867369384765967597 pieces every couple of months, good times. And you know what? Thanks for ruining every single special moment that was supposed to happen to me in high school.Thanks a fucking lot.
You are single-handedly the most selfish person I have ever known in my entire life. Everything that was ours you made into yours. Everything that was mine was yours. You took everything from me. Mentally, physically, and emotionally, you drained me. You actually expected me to wait around for you forever, your that fucking vain? get a fucking grip you ignorant prick. I;m sorry that your life sucks, but don't drag me down too.
So this is me signing off on our relationship. Signing off this shitty place that I used to call love. I'm done.Done.Done. This is me walking away for good, have a great life and I hope you find someone else to manipulate and take advantage of.
Look at that I even capitalized your name, I'm so nice. ha, I am really nice actually, which is why I wonder what makes you feel you needed to treat me the way you did. Your casual, non-classy, undignified attempts at being "sincere" are no longer noticed. It's funny cause all my friends seen what you did to me, and yet they are still friends with you...kind of makes me question my friendships but that's for another blog. And funnier yet is that occasionally they decide to say "Oh Crystal, he's been cheating on you forever _____ has known for awhile but she was to afraid to say so. I'm telling you so you get over him" Again, really questioning my friendships.
But regardless, I get it. Whether you were unfaithful or not you are still an asshole. And if I were to say these things to your face they wouldn't phase you. And then you go and run and whine and complain and get everyone on your side again. So therefore I blog it. But really, I know in the end I've won. Because I know about all the problems you have in your life and that I was the only person you could share them with. And mainly only me, because you suck at choosing good friends, and the others don't care. Well there's Reker but lets be honest, he has a great relationship with his girlfriend why would he get lost in your bullshit. So I know in that way that I won, cause I do have true friends. Some of them, but that's all I need.
I guess really the only nice things I can and should say (cause if I share more I will fall into that horrendous black hole again) is thanks. Thanks for showing me love. Cause for the first year that's what we really had. Thanks for teaching me how to care for someone, and feel things I never thought imaginable. Thanks for introducing me to a life where I don't constantly rely on my parents or other people. Thanks for making me stand on my two feet and stand up for myself. And lastly, thanks for leaving me multiple times when I really fucking needed you. For the times when I needed a smile, or a hug or even just a hi. Thanks for disappointing me repeatedly. Thank you for breaking my heart into X2465649867369384765967597 pieces every couple of months, good times. And you know what? Thanks for ruining every single special moment that was supposed to happen to me in high school.Thanks a fucking lot.
You are single-handedly the most selfish person I have ever known in my entire life. Everything that was ours you made into yours. Everything that was mine was yours. You took everything from me. Mentally, physically, and emotionally, you drained me. You actually expected me to wait around for you forever, your that fucking vain? get a fucking grip you ignorant prick. I;m sorry that your life sucks, but don't drag me down too.
So this is me signing off on our relationship. Signing off this shitty place that I used to call love. I'm done.Done.Done. This is me walking away for good, have a great life and I hope you find someone else to manipulate and take advantage of.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Tuesday, December 6, 2011
Cheers to the asshole.
So much for blogging properly...
Today I discovered a song that really explains me and the way I need to think, Always by Saliva- check it out. And so this is for that pompous asshole.
Basically it just says I'm so done with you. And in actuality I am so very done with you. Kick me down, push me, spit on me, every which way you destroyed me and who I used to be, I will be better. I've seen myself fall prey to you countless times and every time you disappoint me, so why the fuck would I still try? I wont anymore, do not text me, do not call me, leave me alone. Do not think that you can lean on me, do not think that I will forever help you through your problems, and don't you DARE think that you can use me for whatever you please. I am not your welcome mat anymore, I am not that girl that you can trample all over and expect to get back up again. Cause I am better than you, and I'm moving on to bigger and better things. You have messed with my head for the last time. "I love you, I hate you. " <- words I will forever live by thanks to you.
So, cheers to you asshole.
p.s. I drank your alcohol.
Today I discovered a song that really explains me and the way I need to think, Always by Saliva- check it out. And so this is for that pompous asshole.
Basically it just says I'm so done with you. And in actuality I am so very done with you. Kick me down, push me, spit on me, every which way you destroyed me and who I used to be, I will be better. I've seen myself fall prey to you countless times and every time you disappoint me, so why the fuck would I still try? I wont anymore, do not text me, do not call me, leave me alone. Do not think that you can lean on me, do not think that I will forever help you through your problems, and don't you DARE think that you can use me for whatever you please. I am not your welcome mat anymore, I am not that girl that you can trample all over and expect to get back up again. Cause I am better than you, and I'm moving on to bigger and better things. You have messed with my head for the last time. "I love you, I hate you. " <- words I will forever live by thanks to you.
So, cheers to you asshole.
p.s. I drank your alcohol.
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