Friendships

Thoughts...Hope....Dreams...Goals... My Inspiration?
My friends.
Not some silly boy. I realized this as my mom finally picked up all the pictures I sent to get printed. As I sat on my bed sifting through them, every single one was of me and my friends. In hilarious moments (the fat man on new years)in celebratory moments (Britt's 18th!) and in moments where I shared every single smile with them. My girls held me up through everything, and one friend in particular literally held me as I collapsed at school last year, heart breaking.I don't think she'll ever realize the magnitude of things she's done for me...and the way she does them as well. She's the most self-less person I've ever met in my life.She wears her heart on her sleeve but unlike me keeps it together, I cry at everything LOL but her.. I seriously think I've only ever seen her cry once in almost 4 years of friendship. She's my rock, my one solid foundation. She's the one that even when I'm falling from the highest height will always catch me no matter what.

I mean sure I have plenty of great friends, one has even been my best friend for 18years but we have totally different lives. She never cares what I'm doing, or ever comes running to me when I reach out in the simplest way, I'd die for her and I know the same goes for her but its different... The connection between her and I has faded. We never see each other anymore, our lives literally polar opposites as shes in bible school, and for a few months I was at bars every weekend. And maybe that's another reason we faded. I came to such a dark place where it seemed only alcohol, smoking and drugs gave me any sort of feeling other then desperate aloneness. It started slow, in August after I started my job. Smoking was something I had done a few times in grade 12 and it was just cause I needed to break out of this perfect shell Ryan had made me. I literally did it to spite him cause it meant he had to pay attention to me. But after he made it clear that wouldn't fly I didn't really ever do it again. But now I was out of school and didn't have a care in the world, Id been dumped, watched my dream walk away from me and frankly just didn't care. Nothing mattered because smoking was my release. It made me feel something again, the head rush made me feel awake because I was sick of walking in a constant haze. And at the few work parties I would get hopelessly trashed cause well, why not? My state of mind was so far from anything I had grown up with and there was no slowing down at that point. By about October my friend was buying packs of smokes for me and because I was hiding them from my parents it was a very gradual thing, I didn't feel addicted I never smoked them alone. Always with Alex or Jody or whoever asked basically. Never did I feel I needed one after an hour or anything and so I literally thought I wouldn't get addicted. And of course there were periods where I wouldn't have any for a really long time. But just before my birthday is where it all literally fell apart. Ryan was messing with my head and again and all this other stuff was happening and I guess that's where subconsciously I snapped. Everything changed. I was 18, single and no one was about to stop me from doing anything I wanted. I didn't go to the clubs right away, that didn't seem to matter right away, I started buying packs of smokes and smoking non stop. whenever I was with Alex we would practically chain smoke, don't get the wrong idea though- it was always my idea. Then it came to the point where I'd get excited to walk to work and back cause that meant I could smoke. And then that turned into smoking outside the side door when I was home alone. And I even did that twice with my brothers home. It became this huge thing for me... And then to make things even worse just before my birthday again I tried weed for the first time.That's kinda different cause its more just giggle for a few hours and go to sleep so I don't do it much, plus its kinda gross. And also because I tripped so bad and haven't done it since.But I'll come back to that.so after the smoking got really bad, I finally went the club.

The club.I didn't think the whole lets get drunk every time we go was all the craze, cause I didn't need to be drunk to have a good time there, being buzzed helped though. But to be perfectly honest I've only ever bought one drink at the bar. I didn't need the drinks, because I was drunk on the attention. I literally felt as I walked in there that every eye was on me, and I would just watch as the drinks poured in, never once did I turn down a drink from a stranger.but the main reason I loved it sooo much, was the dancing. With hot guys that would come find me. I met some really awesome people at clubs and I could just be myself and have fun and forget how disappointing my life was.Then came the work Christmas party. I knew joey would be coming but for some reason it didn't register to me that she hadn't seen me like this. This out of control mess that I had become. So first off me and the group showed up to the hall smashed, and high out of our minds. and throughout the night I was constantly outside smoking or getting high. I always had a drink in my hand and again, I really didn't care about anything. And until a few days later I hadn't realized how bad I was getting. That was until Joey made me see.

She made it really clear of the black hole I was in and how if I didn't change now I was going to continue descending. So I slowly started to pick myself up, still went to the bar every weekend but definitely tamed myself. I slowly started to cut down on smoking and I'm still trying to quit I'm doing really good though. 1 every 2 weeks or so. that has some to do with the new boy I'm with but mostly because I want to quit. I don't want to be that girl at the Christmas party anymore. I want to hold the reins of my life and feel completely in control. And again I owe it all to her... you never really know the amazing things you do for me.
I love you <3
'Cause really, I'd be nothing without my friends.